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Willing To Be Tested

Somehow, I have put up a rather high wall between work and personal life, for rather understandable reasons – or so I think. So imagine my worry when a family member recently asked me to do some work for her. And I couldn’t very well say ‘no’ without sounding unhelpful. And though I did try in round-about ways to get her to change her mind, I finally took it up.

Thus began days of apprehension, endless knots in my stomach and a series of sleep-jarring dreams.  What if I don’t do a good-enough job? What if it makes things awkward at family get-togethers? As it is, I am rather reserved.What if this makes me even more so?

‘Pray’. That’s what others told me. And I did – I complained to God, railed at Him and black-mailed Him with tears. The loving Saviour took it all with much understanding and patience.

One evening, after yet another shrew-y episode with God I was sitting at my desk working, when a friend came to visit. And in good time too as, agitated by His wise and quiet response, I had decided to turn to one of my mortal friends for more tangible compassion. We chatted for a while about inane things and then, finally, started on work and stress.

It is only understandable that God, in His Will to make me better, would give me a test to realise that I am not phenomenal; and I don’t need to be

“You will not believe what I have been going through…” I begin. Then I blushed as I remembered that she really would not be able to imagine, as she has been estranged from her family for years now.

My ‘doleful’ complaints would be joke when compared to the trials she has been through and her years of pining for a family that once turned her out for a small mistake. I stammer out an absurd tale about work to appease her concerned frown, thankful to God that I at least have a family to worry about. I smile as I imagine Him heaving a sigh of relief and fondly muttering, “Finally”.

After the visit, in a calmer encounter with God, I realised something. Ever since I started personal prayers I have been asking God to “carve me into a better person” and to “give me strength through the trials” as I claimed to be one of His “warriors”. And one of my greater vices is pride – bitter, harsh and soul-wrenching pride. In fact, I realise, one of my apprehensions about working for family was the thought that they would realise I am not ‘great’. It is only understandable that God, in His Will to make me better, would give me a test to realise that I am not phenomenal; and I don’t need to be.

I should do my best and accept myself with the imperfections before expecting my family to do the same. And with the blessing of the Holy Spirit and His infinite Wisdom a slight flaw will not rend a family held together by God’s presence.

The words, “His Will shall never take me, where His Grace will not protect me”, are an added assurance.

Tiya James

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