“I’m tired of you, and all the things you put me through—I can’t take it anymore!”
Have you ever felt like that?
Have you ever thought about leaving your mate because he—or she—refuses to fulfill his— or her—part of the marriage? What is a person supposed to do when a mate will not? Is your marriage about to become another divorce? Stop! Do not do anything until you read this article— it is possible that you can save your marriage and enjoy doing it!
The answer is simple and effective—YOU DO when your mate will not!
Divorce destroys lives. It reaches in and tears apart the very heart and soul of a family. Some people, in the depths of the pain and suffering of an unhappy marriage, naturally feel it is better to break up rather than to continue living in misery. Although it may seem like the quick and easy way out of problems, it is the beginning of a whole new set of problems.
Two generations ago divorce was a disgrace—now it is a statistical race. Of course, couples once stayed together and endured the pain and difficulties that accompany a bad marriage.Through good times and bad times they tried to stay together, to raise their children together, and in spite of the many hurts and tears,to hope for a marriage that would take them through the golden years to the twilight of their lives. It often enough didn’t work. And there were reasons.
Today, people have very little tolerance for pain and suffering in marriage. At the least little problem, the threat of divorce is wheeled out. Our society has made divorce an easy option — a parachute out of marital problems.
But is divorce really that marital parachute?
THINK ABOUT THE CHILDREN
What a pity that grown-ups often fail to consider the children. The children of a divorced couple go through pain: emotional, mental and even physical pain.
Parents—when you are more than one—are the child’s whole world. When you break up, you are breaking up the world of your child. You are shattering your child’s emotional security. The child feels abandoned, frightened and insecure about the future. A child’s loyalty is torn between two parents who think they love that child very much.
You need to think about the hurt you inflict upon you children in your quest to get out of the “hurt” you feel in your marriage. Is your happiness more important than that of your children? After all, they did not make you get married—they did not ask to be born. But now they are asking you to give them a whole family to grow up in. And it is still in your power to give them the whole family they desire and need.
Children are half of yourand half of your mate, and they need both of your to reach their full potential. Fractured families produce fractured children. Alone after a divorce, you cannot give them what they need —you cannot be both father and mother.
Now you may be thinking, Isn’t it better for my children to live with me in peace than both of us in war?That’s not necessarily so!
Research now shows that, except in cases of extreme child abuse, children are better off in a home of discord where both parents live than in a divorced home with one parent. According to Dr. Archibald Hart, a clinical psychologist and author of the book Children of Divorce, less than 10 percent of children surveyed felt that the divorce of their parents helped their lives. In fact, it generally made it worse.
Now you may not have children to think about. So, will divorce make your life happier? Probably not. Why not? Because you may be half of the problem and you cannot divorce yourself from yourself! Think about that one for a while. You still must live with yourself.
Divorce can exact a great and long-lasting emotional and physical toll. Those who divorce are experiencing higher rates of mental disorders, heart disease, cancer, high blood pressure and cirrhosis of the liver than those who tough it out. But why even tough it out when there is still a better solution?
WHY YOU SHOULD STAY
They say it takes two to make a marriage, but we say it takes only one to save a marriage! If you stay, the chances are great that you can save your marriage in spite of what your mate does or does not do. Two wrongs do not make a right, but one right can make a marriage.
The mate who is striving to do what is right has a special influence over the mate. How? By your positive actions. If you do what is right in marriage, it influences your mate positively. It is possible for God to use your example to turn your mate around. But if you leave there is no hope! So stay, and let the power of your example turn your marriage around.
MAKE A COMMITMENT
Commitment is the foundation of a successful marriage. Even though your mate may not be as committed as you are, your commitment is needed to power you through the difficult times. Times when you will not feel like doing, because your mate will not do. Times when everything you do is interpreted by your mate as being wrong¬- when with all your heart you are trying to please.
Commitments are made on your knees before God. He will give the power to DO when your mate will not. Go to God—talk to him —make a commitment to him that you will stay with your marriage—to work with your marriage until you achieve success.
This commitment will motivate you, and give you a positive frame of mind. You know where you are going, and you have the confidence of knowing that God is for you. And, “If God is for us, who can be against us?”
The goal of God’s institution of marriage is to teach husbands and wives the supreme lesson of the universe: oneness through selflessness.
ACCEPT EACH OTHER
You could be making your own self frustrated and unhappy. How? By trying to make your mate over into your image, and that is impossible!
A long time ago (even before you married), you formed a fanciful idea about what you wanted your mate to be like. Maybe you still have expectations that your mate will someday fulfill your dreams. Forget it—it will not happen! Your unrealistic expectations will only produce frustrations in your marriage.
Expecting your mate to be what youwant is selfishness, and selfishness always leads to unhappiness. Think about this: You are probably not what your mate always dreamed of either. So stop putting this unnecessary pressure on yourself or on your mate.
DO GOOD FOR EVIL
But what do you do when your mate does you wrong? What do you do when that “fight back” response wells up inside you? You must do something, because you are about to explode. But what do you do?
First of all, you help yourself get rid of the stress and frustration. Love is the greatest stress releaser there is in human conflict. Giving good for evil transforms your negative energy into positive energy. It makes you feel good in spite of the abuse you may be receiving.Doing good for evil gives you a shot of happy medicine that is able to cure your marital blues. You will not need sedatives and tranquillizers.
When your mate rails against you with harsh words, still the troubled waters by saying soft and pleasant things. And remember also, that saying it at the right time is also important. Sometimes doing good is saying nothingwhenyour mate is angry. In these situations it is best to let any anger be vented before you say a word. Later, when the atmosphere has cooled down, you can say the pleasant and sweet words that produce peace. If you do this you will be amazed at how “a soft answer turns away wrath”.
This miracle even has the power to transform your mate’s whole approach toward you. He or she may be accustomed to having you argue and fight back. By changing the way you react, you begin to change the way your mate acts toward you. Doing good for evil will help your mate realizethat it is a new ball game.
A husband will have to change the way he pitches, because the wife is not hitting back anymore. So why should he continue to pitch when nobody is hitting? Why should he continue to fight when there is nobody to fight with? By doing good for evil you control how the game is played, and how your marriage is lived.
In the past when you did evil for evil, it was harder for your mate to see his or her wrong because you blinded your mate by your wrong. Feeling the sting of your response, your mate felt justified in reacting.
And do not forgetthe positive effect of your doing good will have on your children. By your good example you are buildingin them, a proper way of giving. You are doing what they will need to be doing later. You are teaching them how to get along with people—the only way that leads to real peace.
Now you may be thinking, “How do I know all of this will work in my marriage? What if I do all of this and my mate just uses it to take advantage of me?”
You are forgetting about one very important Person who has unique ways of helping you like nobody else can. God can equalize the situation – you have him working for you. Remember this, that no matter what your mate does or does not do, your happiness depends on what you do—how much you give. It is based on God’s supernatural law of love, and Almighty God stands at back of it and guarantees it. It works.
You may feel that it is unfair for you to do good while your mate gets away with evil. Nobody gets away with anything. God is the great equalizer; for whatevera man sows, that he will also reap in due time. He settles all accounts, and for the good of all concerned. So, ask God for the patience and perseverance to continue doing when your mate will not. Yes, do your whole family a favor—DO!