Juliet Thomas Christian Articles for Young Women
A lot has been spoken lately about abuse of women and children, particularly abuse expressed in the forms of physical violence and sexual assault. Such visible abuse surely does cause bodily and emotional harm.The focus of this article is that abuses do not always show and can be subtle when manifest in human relationships. Such abuses inflict serious harm to a person’s physical, emotional and spiritual health, are deeper and more serious because they often go unnoticed and unhealed for long time.
Subtler forms of abuse are expressed verbally or non-verbally:
Verbal Abuse: Verbal abuse refers to prolonged or willful hurting or wounding a person through words. This could take direct forms like name-calling or using derogatory words against someone. It could also take subtle forms like sarcasm and belittling or insulting another person’s point of view. Verbal abuse also includes using a sharp tone in correction or reprimanding a person in a way that invokes fear.Non-Verbal Abuse: An abuser constantly plays on the emotions of another and can use intimidating silence to have his way. Casting sneering looks, hanging up on a phone conversation, making threatening gestures, punching or slapping, slamming doors and driving recklessly are some of the few ways the abuser shows his anger.
Life story 1
Shruti, an MBA graduate from a reputed institute, worked her way up to become a business development manager of an MNC. Her husband’s growing business and work schedule compelled Shruti to discontinue her 10 year career to take care of her kids. For almost a decade, Shruti had little time and mental energy to input into the family’s financial decisions. Once her children grew older, Shruti desired to play an active role in family decisions involving major investments. Her husband, however, ignored her input and even made snide remarks about her knowledge on financial matters, insisting that she should stick to what she was good at, meaning child- rearing. Shruti henceforth totally refrained from giving any input regarding the family’s finances.
Life story 2
When Mr. and Mrs. Johnson chose to leave the church they grew up in together, for a different church, they were unprepared for the rejection from the pastor who refused to even visit their child when she was admitted to the hospital after a major accident. They wondered if they had heard rightly when someone told them that the pastor commented about the accident as being part of God’s chastening for their leaving a ‘godly church’.
Life story 3
Dev, Sandra’s seven year old boy, came running to tell his mom that his friend Shankar had hit him. Sandra, a single parent, took but one glance at her boy’s knee and went on with her dishes. Dev persisted, tugging her saree, attempting to get some words of comfort and attention. This persistence infuriated Sandra, who asked Dev notto make a big deal of a small issue. She even remarked curtly, ‘Who knows? You might have started the fight’. Sandra had grown in a very abusive home which had no time and place for public expressions of love!
All the three life stories highlight the multiple expressions of abuse.I have chosen to highlight four types of abuse common in our homes, workplaces and churches:
1. Psychological abuse
Psychological abuse provokes fear, diminishes an individual’s dignity or self-worth and causes intense emotional trauma. The woman or child so abused becomes fearful of the surroundings and tends to withdraw from normal relationships. An abuser has a tendency to overreact to even the slightest or negligible provocation and responds with degrading words and demeaning acts. In subtler cases, an emotionally abusive husband does not allow the spouse a say in crucial family decisions and devalues her. An abusive husband makes the woman feel inadequate about her parenting abilities.
2. Financial Abuse
Financial abuse includes behavior that reduces or eliminates a woman’s financial independence or decision-making. It happens to both working and non-working women. How does one recognize this form of abuse? Taking the woman’s money or savings through force or manipulation, withholding the woman’s access to money and keeping family finances a secret are common expressions of financial abuse. In a lot of instances, the woman is left without adequate resources to sustain herself when the spouse dies or divorces her.
3. Social Abuse
Social abuse includes behavior resulting in the isolation and alienation of an adult woman from friends or family. The abuser separates the spouse from any form of support system apart from him. A husband may abuse his wife by exercising control over what she does and whom she associates with. He berates her social standing by making a ‘scene’ or passing offensive statements about her in presence of friends and family.
Comments suggesting that a woman is inferior because she comes from a different socio- economic background are also a form of social abuse. In addition, using threats or actions to harm the children, taking the children from the mother in order to express dominance, and using the children to relay messages are some manifestations of socially abusive behaviour.
4. Spiritual Abuse
Spiritual abuse includes tactics used to exert power and control over a person’s spirituality and religious orientation. Such abusecould cause individuals to carry a heavy burden of guilt into their adult life, preventing them from coming close to a loving God and experiencing His grace.
Fear/manipulation tactics are used to get the services of people to help in church ministry or to prevent a family from leaving the church. The church member is made to feel guilty if he/she doesn’t follow the principles of the leader.This kind of a church has the semblance of a cult. Many people have struggled to leave such a church for fear of being labelled a traitor.
How do I handle patterns of abuse in my life?
Resist the urge to retreat or retaliate, or to give into bitterness or self-pity. ‘Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret, it leads only to evil’ – Psalm 37:8.
Realize that hurt people hurt people. Know that most abusers are unaware that they are hurting you emotionally. They are passing on an abusive pattern learnt in their childhood or growing up years.
Remove yourself from the source of the attack, if it is persistently physical and/or psychological. Connect with and seek support and intervention from a counselor, friend, family member or pastor whom you can trust and relate to.
Re-establish boundaries for yourself. You need not allow a person to recklessly ravage your emotions, social life and finances. You can remain silent during provocation if you are unable to express calmly how you feel when facing such abuse.
Remember you are a person created in God’s image. You have your own set of likes/dislikes, desires and interests that God has placed in your heart. You are the dwelling place of the Holy Spirit and you need to be physically and emotionally protected.
I think I have been abusive. What do I do now?
Rejoice that God has made a provision for you to be a new person through His Son Jesus. When you believe on what He has done on the cross for you and put your trust on Him, He forgives you, cleanses you and makes you a NEW YOU!
Reflect and analyze what is causing you to act/react the way you do. It could be that some of the other person’s behaviour is triggering past experiences that you have dealt with in another relationship. Or it could be that you are just overly sensitive.
Realize that you don’t have control over the other person’s life or body.
Repent and ask for God’s forgiveness for having abused another person who was created in God’s image.
Restore the relationship which has been wounded by talking or writing a letter to the other person.
Renew your mind by feeding on God’s word; identify a topic you need to have victory over. Read, memorize and meditate on related passages from Scripture.
Conclusion
We need to recognize that both the abuser and the abused are in need of God’s grace and healing. The cross alone can reveal and heal at the same time!
Co-authored by sisters:
Bella Victor, a Christian bookstore owner, she is also a qualified Christian counsellor, Conference speaker and Curriculum developer for Educational Institutions, from Philadelphia, USA.
Alice Prema Andrew is an institutional development consultant for multiple charitable organisations in Asia. She is also a Counsellor and resource person in various national and international conferences.
