Let Us Learn To Feel

“Don’t be so loud, behave like a girl”

“How can you be jealous of your OWN sister?”

“Don’t be silly, you have nothing to be unhappy about”

“You stop dreaming about becoming a pilot, you are a GIRL”

From the time you were a child, how many times have you heard the above statements being made to you – by people who loved you, cared for you, and wanted you to grow up well? With very good intentions, they actually made you suppress your emotions, they confused you, and left you wondering what you are actually feeling.

Understanding and managing emotions is rarely taught to us. The least we can do is not to suppress or undo the natural process of a person trying to come to terms with her emotions. Nature teaches us to emote, hence every child is frank in expressing her emotions freely. But we force children to suppress and deny emotions, thus creating adults who can handle the most complex of mathematical or managerial problems, but cannot manage their emotions.

I feel so sad when I see young ladies – intelligent, highly qualified, good looking, social, and well placed – who are abused by their husbands. They can face men in international conferences, ward off roadside Romeos, rise up to help friends or relatives in distress, but they cannot free themselves of abusive relationships. After tying the knot in lifelong marital relationship there is a fear of having to give up on it if she protests, but I also see girls being abused by their boy friends. The reason for this is the girl’s inability to be emotionally mature, to accept that things are wrong and that she should be pro-active to bring about a remedy.

One of the reasons for this helplessness is that women have been trained to believe that their fathers, husbands etc. are to be respected and obeyed. They also identify so much with their partners that putting them down means putting oneself down. They do not wish to label their man as “bad.” I have even come across women who are being abused by their partners, and yet go on (even in their absence) defending the abuser, with statements such as “basically he is a good human being”, or “I too must be doing something wrong for him to behave this way.” What the good lady needs to understand is that labeling an act as bad is not the same as labeling the person as bad. Yes, he may be a good human being, but his act of abuse is certainly not good and should be stopped. This is only possible if the woman in question is emotionally honest enough to acknowledge that she is hurt, angry, humiliated, and that she is entitled to justice. Not doing so creates monsters out of some men, and then it becomes too late to do anything about it.

Women definitely have an edge over men when it comes to emotions. More women are ‘right-brained’ i.e. they have highly developed sense of creativity, emotions, intuition, visualization, relationship building etc. Hence it is unfortunate that they do not learn to use these skills to their advantage, and they thus become bad role models for the younger girls to follow. Let us all get together and create a world where emotions or feelings flow freely. Feelings come from within – nobody decides and then gets angry or jealous with anyone else. It would be so much better if we identify, accept, and then make the right moves to manage each feeling as it comes to us. We need to follow the simple attitude of ‘condemn the sin, not the sinner.”

With greater awareness, women will be able to assert themselves and build more balanced relationships in the long run. Only then will we (i.e. both men and women) be able to find true fulfillment and satisfaction in life. Let’s begin – today.

Dr. Ali Khwaja, B Tech (IIT), MIE, MIIM, Ph.D, Chairman, Banjara Academy—an ardent student of life and passionate lover of all human-beings alike—makes you aware of the critical fact that emotions do matter.