Effective Single Parenting

“How does one do damage-control and life-enhancement of children in single parent families? The key is forgiveness.”

The most difficult part of being a parent alone is that it is usually not a chosen state of being. Whether caused by death, divorce or separation, the reality of the status is accompanied by shock. Fear and panic are the dominant feelings..For a woman especially, it is a horrific situation, one you never dreamt you’d find yourself in. As a child, you played with dolls and doll-houses and always imagined that by the time you were queen of your own house, it would be the happiest home on earth.

Now here you are – completely depleted and heartbroken; the burden of the responsibilities that used to be handled by two people has now to be shouldered by one. It is with much desolation that you battle with contradictory questions, “How did I get here?” “It’s not fair,” and above all, “How do I get through this?”

Accept the reality of the situation: The first thing I had to do when I became a single parent was to accept the reality of being alone without any dreams, illusions or self-pity. I resisted the tendency to turn to friends, relatives or work to depend upon or escape to. How grateful I am for the fact that it was only a few years before that I’d had a deep spiritual encounter after which I had committed my life to Christ. So when my husband left us, I took on the challenge of single parenting with three resolutions:

First of all I transferred my faith and dependence to God

Secondly, I prayed for – and found! – a godly prayer partner, someone whom I could trust, and share with.

Thirdly, I accepted right at the start that the answer to the loneliness, pain and difficulty of raising three children on my own would not come overnight.

Today, when people see all my three adult children leading Christ-centered lives and contributing in God-assigned ways to society, they ask me, ‘How did you manage it? There must have been problems, how did you cope?”

Well, how I coped would fill many books! For the purpose of this article, I will condense my experiences into three overall methods that proved effective:

Bring in the ‘Better Half’ 

In an interview conducted by ‘family specialist’ Dr. James Dobson with Robert G.Barnes, Jr. (who’d grown up in a single parent home and was being used powerfully by God in single parent families), Dr. Dobson asked, ‘What is the one most important guideline you would like to give to a single parent?’

Barnes replied, “Jesus has to become the head of the home. I do not mean this in a super spiritual way but in a very real and practical sense. The single parent has to accept Jesus as spouse and maker, and the children have to be guided into a definite experience of Jesus as parent.”

There was no ‘absent parent’ in our home because, on invitation, that role was filled in by Jesus;. If there were problems with discipline, dilemmas relating to the children’s careers, funds to send a child to Bible College in Australia or arranging the right marriage for them at the right time – I would turn to the Lord. I can testify that not once was I left wanting.

Prayers which are a great necessity in every home, were an indispensable and vital part of our family life. When they were younger, they realized it was one activity which was not ‘optional’; one had to be present at the family prayer time whether one felt like it or not. It was not long before they became involved in communicating with God not just at prayer time but right through the day. His was a physical presence in our home to the extent that sometimes when I got into an argument with them, one of them would say, “You heard that Jesus, see what mummy said to me!?”

Making family life Special 

A family is a broken family only if its members feel or consider themselves broken. We have never considered ourselves a broken family. For us, family life was very special, with the Lord at the helm, heart and forefront. We organized creative traditions to make family life very special. For instance, birthdays were organized with great zest, secrecy (from the birthday person) and fanfare.

Another tradition was the Family Court used to resolve conflicts and clashes. A 400-page note book titled Family Court recorded all proceedings which were usually organized on a Sunday afternoon when there was no pressure of work or studies. This is how the court functioned: For instance, if the problem was one of the girls wanting to go to a Saturday night party, and I was refusing permission, my daughter and I had to declare we wanted to resolve the problem, and we would communicate about it till it was resolved, Her brother would take on the role of arbitrator, the younger daughter would be the “note-taker”. The court proceedings went through these stages: (1) Brain-storming, during which all present came out with solutions to the problem. The note-taker took down every suggestion, however way-out it may have sounded. (2) Discussion of each suggestion. (3) Best suggestion decided upon, and this had to be one which satisfied both parties.

There was thus a sense of ‘fairness’ in all decisions made during their childhood and growing days. The Family Court was always started with prayer, which kept the Spirit of God very present right through. The Verdict at the end was followed by a prayer of thanksgiving.

Walking the Talk 

Every child needs it, but children in single parent families require it in double dose. I am talking about the four’ Es’ of training children, which once again have been recommended by Robert Barnes.

Example: A good axiom to follow is: Do to others what you want others do for you” In the same vein we can also practice“Never expect from others what you cannot do yourself.” Being an example is the first step of training whether it is in the area of attire, behaviour or attitude towards the opposite sex. Looking at how I kept up my weekly prayer partnership with a godly elder (who I remained accountable to), later in life, they on their own, sans any prompting from me, prayerfully sought and found prayer partners who have greatly enriched their lives.

Exposure: I was keen that my children should know how to walk and talk with dignity, holiness, sensitivity and style. Even as I prayed regularly for their future, I wanted them to think of ways in which they would measure their days wisely. Instead of long lectures on the subject, I made it a point to regularly invite or visit families which had these qualities and priorities. Our friends included believers and those who had yet to hear the Gospel. They learned to associate with everyone even as their closest friends through the years..

Experience:Whatever may have been the problems that existed between their father and myself, I did not allow it to smudge the relationship they shared with their father. Angry though he and I were with each other, I knew that a child needs both parents to grow into the wholeness God desires, and I gave him full access to them at all times, without worrying about possible consequences. Whether it was at birthday parties and the children’s subsequent marriage – he played an important part of all such functions, including leading his precious daughter up the aisle. When he turned sixty, they organized a beautiful weekend at a friend’s estate; I not only agreed to attend, but raised the toast; likewise, when it was my turn around, he was an important part of the celebration, and it made us all happy that he made it a point to join us.I committed such sojourns to the Lord; and it was not surprise to me when some years down the line, they shared with me that he too has committed his life to Christ and now lives to serve Him.

Encouragement: After my marriage fell apart I felt a complete failure, I lacked self-esteem and considered myself useless. It was the women’s fellowship in the church we worshipped at, that lifted me out of the doldrums. Led by the Spirit of God, they encouraged me endlessly, and this was an attitude I was able to take into parenting. I became each child’s greatest encourager and prayer supporter. When my elder daughter was elected Games Captain in her final year at school, I celebrated at my workplace, threw a big party for her and made her feel like a Queen. When my son (all three children have great musical skills) performed with a music group, playing and singing some solo songs – all of us and our friends went and cheered for him aloud, and with great delight. Each child was made to feel very special as he or she indeed was.

As I look back in retrospect, I realize that the journey often appeared to run in circles without clear purpose. With the Lord always in the center, and the plan of God in the forefront, however, I was able to overcome this wilderness experience.

The children today have become living examples of what God can do with the children of a single parent.

Ingrid Albuquerque has been in the mainstream media in India for over three decades, and writes mainly on issues relating to everyday life and living.