Anguished Regret Comes Too Late

Another year had come to an end. A couple went to see a counsellor. They were distraught, the woman was crying most of the time. Their son John, aged twenty, had come home from the hostel for theholidays. After only a few days he left home and never returned. A Complaint along with his photograph was lodged with the police. But he was never found.

He had left a note saying, “I know you don’t want me, so I am leaving.”

They never expected this to happen. The whole incident came as a shock to them. They said, “We have already bought gifts for him. We had planned to spend this Christmas, very happily with all our children around us. Why did this happen to us?”

It would have been a blessing if they had asked this question a couple of years ago but in a different form, “What can we do to prevent such a thing happening to us?” Now John’s father blamed his wife and she blamed her husband.

The couple had three children. John was the eldest. The next was a daughter aged eighteen and then a fifteen-year-old son. They had showered John with love when he was a toddler. But when the daughter was born their attention shifted to the girl. The father doted on her. She was intelligent, talented and pretty. She also did very well at school.

John was not as bright but he was good at sports. He loved gardening too. His father had told him that he should study well and get into medical college but he failed his ninth standard examinations. The father was very disappointed. He began to be very strict with John, “Don’t be like John,” he would tell the other children.

When John appeared for his pre-degree examinations his father expected him to get a first class with a high percentage. But John passed with average marks and then went on to agricultural college. His father harped on this and made him feel that he was no good. In fact he bore a grudge against his son without realizing how hurting it was for John. He felt he had a right to be angry with John. After all John was at fault.

John felt unloved and so decided to leave home. It is a sad story, isn’t it and we feel sorry for this family. But is everything all right in all our families?

There are bound to be hurts within the family. Most of these are healed by the oil of affection and forgiveness. But there are some wounds which are too deep to be kissed away. If they are not dealt with and completely got rid of, they remain as resentment and affect every area of the relationship. They are like poison. They stay in the person to be brought out now and then. In between life goes on as usual until it resurfaces. This can happen between husband and wife, parent and children, siblings or in-laws. It can happen in any relationship.

Many of us accept this as normal. Recently I asked a small group of young women:

“ Do you have any bitterness over anything or anyone?” The general answer was:

“ Yes. Everyone has it in some way or other. We just can’t help it! It just happens . And we can’t do anything about it.”

We assume the attitude, “There is no harm in having or holding sentiments.” 

We also think: “Nothing can be done about it because the responsibility is the other person’s.After all itis the other person who hurt me. Mine is a normal reaction and I am just bearing it.” Some of us are not even aware of the term ‘bitterness’.

Rage and anger are short-term emotions but bitterness is the long- held emotion of angerand infiltrates every area of life. It has been authentically proved that it affects the physical and emotional sides of a person.

Resentment affects relationships. It not only affects the relationship of the person against whom one holds the resentment but the family too and more importantly the relationship with God. Such a person can never accept God’s love. All the external ritualistic and even good deeds to others, are religiously practised, but there is no real love, joy or peace within. John did not feel loved. All the external manifestations of love in the form of financial support and gifts did not mean anything. He wanted to experience love which did not keep score of wrongs, past or present. He wanted that kind of love that accepted him as he was.

Resentment keeps score of wrongs. No amount of costly gifts can communicate love. We all want to communicate love to others, especially to our family members. Even a little bit of bitterness and resentment can blank out joy from our lives.

If we work towards reconciliation and we will experience love in our families and will be filled with joy and peace through this New Year and the times that lie ahead.

TO THINK THROUGH

This is a real life story. We realise that the parents really loved their son, John, in their hearts. But somehow they had failed to communicate this to their son – with bitter consequences. Unconsciously this may also be happening in our homes. If so, may God grant us wisdom to change our attitudes before it is too late.

Question: Identify at least three situations in young John’s life that made him believe that his parents did not love him?

Challenge to today’s busy mothers and fathers: Children are a sacred trust in our hands. We are responsible to shape them from childhood to be moulded by the time we take to teach and train them in righteous ways, They need our time and training to become morally strong men and women of emotional well-being who will make a difference to their community.